“You do you, boo” 🙂
“Get it, girl” 😉
Both excellent pieces of advice!
Collecting Funko-Pops? You do you 🙂
Like your coffee so creamy it’s light beige? You do you! (I’ll also do me, ‘cause that’s legit how I drink it. #noregrets).
Going for a promotion at work? Get it, girl!
Want to start running every morning? Get it, girl! (Full disclosure: I will not get it. I will, at most, shuffle semi-consciously next to my dog, thank you).
But sometimes “you do you” is used as a catch-all piece of advice at the end of something more helpful: Like, when your girlfriend says “I saw on Marie Kondo that you should hold each item before deciding to keep it! But you do you.”
And that seems totally opposed to the “get it” mentality. How can you do you, but also push yourself to be better than the you you were before?
Don’t worry, I have a legit answer to that question 🙂
We need to shift our view so that we’re using those two phrases together. It’s time the two of these ideas crash together in a beautiful symphony of awesome when you think about confidently communicating with the people around you.
Because it’s all too easy to hear my suggestions of altering the pitch of your voice, and think to yourself “Welllll that’s awkward. That’s not me. Pass.”
And you’re right, that doesn’t feel like you! ‘Cause you’ve spent so long building up a habit of doing it your way. And when you try to break that habit and instill a new one it feels uncomfy and gross. I get it! It totally does.
But
(You knew there was a but, didn’t you? You smart chica!)
But!
✽ You’ve gotta feel a little weird
before you start to feel like it’s a habit ✽
Because a bunch of what makes you “you” is a collection of habits, and the scope of what you want to “get” is a collection of new habits. And of course there’s going to be some weirdness in switching between the two! That’s inevitable, babe.
And while it feels weird, we’ve got to reframe how we’re thinking about it in our beautiful brain spaces. Instead of “OMG I’m so cringy right now,” we have to think things like “OMG fine, I’m doing it. It’ll be fine. I’ll be fine. This is gonna get better. I’m gonna get better.”
Because, essentially, your brain believes what you tell it eventually. (Check out my Guide to Positive Self-Talk for more on that , if you haven’t yet).
And honestly, I get it. It’s not like Marie Kondo-ing my closet comes super naturally to me— I have three delightful pairs of those wide-leg trouser pants sitting in my Amazon cart waiting for me to decide if they bring me Joy or not. (They probably won’t) 😉
But just like my embracing my inner minimalist takes effort and WAY more mental check-ins than usual, so does your journey to becoming a more confident communicator!
So when you feel that knee-jerk uncomfy reaction to trying the new thing I’m teaching to you, you’ve got two choices in how you react to your new habit:
- You can let you brain wail about the weirdness of it all and quit doing it.
OR
- You can tell yourself it’s alllllll a part of your improved you-ness.
And I’ll be honest: if you pick the first option, I can’t help you. None of my blogs or resources or trainings are for you, babe. Because you’ve gotta decide that the new habits that come with improving your confidence and communication are worth a smidge bit of weirdness before the success follows.
✽ But if you embrace (or resign yourself) to the weirdness, and you pair it with the mental attitude that you’re building a new habit, then you’ve got space to grow, sweet friend ✽
And growing I can help with!
Speaking of you growing, and me helping you with that, I 100% have some tactics for you to help make this transition a little easier. (Feel free to skip straight to “Suggestions” if you’re in a skimmin’ mood. Keep reading if you like reading the words that I write 😉 or want more explanation).
Think about it this way:
If you’ve ever been a mama, loved a parent or been friends with a parent, think of it this way: Parents are literally building their child’s habits from the ground up. Brushing their teeth is not fundamentally a part of who babies are when they wetly slide out into the world. Brushing their teeth is a habit that parents teach them because it’ll make them happier, healthier human beings later in life.
Similarly, focusing some of your mental head space on adopting a new habit is less a representation of your past “you”, and more of a representation of the “you” you’re working on becoming.
✽ It’s all about habits, sweet friend. Seriously! ✽
We’re habitual flippin’ people, us humans.
In fact, there’s a bunch of research into the human brain (obviiii), and specifically about how we are able to switch our brain’s focus from being kinda checked-out when it’s completing ingrained habits, to being specifically zero-ed in on completing or learning another task.
Two dudes named Louis & Sutton researched it so much that they came to the conclusion that our ability to improve our overall mental capacity is majorly impacted by our ability to switch between doing things habitually (comb our hair) and our ability to actively think about a task (focus on confident posture).
So what I’m *inspiring* your beautiful brain to do is focus on that switch!
Feed your brain, babe!
Feed it with habits that will help you advance your career and advance your own inner light and confidence. You can do it! I believe in you!
Suggestions for an easier transition:
One of the biggest ways that you can help yourself to internalize a new habit is (you guessed it!) talk to yourself about how bomb the change is gonna be for you.
#positiveselftalk #nevergonnagiveyouup #cantstopwontstop
Another way you can help to internalize it is (omg you guessed it again! you’re getting good at this!)— is to practice doing it alot.
My next recommendation for you is to give yourself a little grace and start small— we don’t work magic here, and you shouldn’t magically expect yourself to be awesomely confident right out of the gate.
- Start with a mini-goal of fixing your vocal pitch for a ten minute chunk every day.
- Or maybe your first step is to listen to your vocal pitch as often as you can for the first three days.
The point is— don’t expect magic, and don’t be too hard on yourself, sweet friend.
Okay, 3 more suggestions for you:
- Create a “streak” game for yourself! Nope, not the naked kind, babe. Make yourself a fun spot where you can track your new habit. Science backs the idea that when you celebrate a streak, you’re more likely to keep it going than punk out and abandon it. My suggestions for tracking streaks? Your planner, your bestie (yes! Get her to ride this confidence train with you!), or a fridge calendar (mine is Doug the Pug, and I have no regrets).
- One of my favorite ways for you to lock in a new habit is to celebrate! YASS girl! Hit me up on Insta and tell me all your big wins! (@kovavra) Not into pics and social media? (You little rebel, you!) Drop me an email and tell me how dang darn good it feels to be successful! I read every email I get!
- Wanna be REAL extra? (Sometimes it’s nice, right?) One of my favorite tricks for myself is to buy myself a reminder bracelet from Etsy that says what I want to remember. I’ve got one that says “Mindset Matters” for reminding myself that my positive mindset matters to how I perceive the relative radness of my day. I’ve also got one that reminds me of my daily writing habit that says “Explore and Create”, so that I remember to always be on the lookout for things to write about, and to always be focused on flexing my creativity. I’m a big fan of Red Fern Studio on Etsy. She’s not an affiliate or anything, I’m just a big fangirl 😉
What strategy are you most jazzed to try? Drop me a comment!
Cheers and love and hugs,
P.S. You’re rad! In case you needed to hear that today 🙂
P.P.S. Want to keep this lovely, positivity going? Heck yes! Take your Self-Love Quiz to find the perfect self-love mantra for YOU!
Meet Your Self-Love + Confidence Coach, Kayla Vavra!
I founded Brave Heart Open Mind, this enthusiastic self-love development studio, in an effort to empower women with the ability to live their happiest, most confident lives!
Because I’ve walked the path of feeling like I wasn’t good enough— drowning in self-doubt and self-hate— and it genuinely straight up sucks. (It does, for real. If you’ve been there— ugly-crying on cold floral linoleum— you know it’s true).
Part of the entire existence of Brave Heart Open Mind is to allow me to help you get to where I am— in a place of self-love; in a place of consistent confidence; in a place of self-empowerment! And to help you get there faster than I did. 😅🤩
It took me over a decade to get to where I am today.
From my own rock bottom— sitting at the end of an emotionally abusive relationship, fully depressed, with imbalanced hormones, halfway through college, unable to do anything other than barely hang on and pretend I was fine, (when really my self-image was a total dumpster fire on the inside). There were real moments of sobbing-on-the-floor feelings of wretchedness, catatonic-in-bed feelings of hopelessness, and hiding-blades-from-myself urges of self-harm during this time.
Medication to balance my hormones helped regulate my brain chemistry to smooth back the depression and darkness, but I was still left with a completely trashed self-image. I wanted to love myself, and it took me over a decade to figure out how to actually make that happen.
My personal journey over the course of that decade has thankfully brought me all the way to where I am now: the founder of an amazing and fulfilling business, totally loving my life!
And if I can help you skip the trudging, slow-as-heck, mountain climb out of the trenches of self-doubt and self-hate, and streamline a decade for you— like, that’s amazing! Why wouldn’t I help you? How could I not??
And through painstakingly building positive lifelong habits for myself, I’ve paved a new path: One where I consistently push myself to grow, feel good enough, and live in a place of calm, centered confidence.
And these habits aren’t magic— anyone can learn them! Everyone deserves to learn them. They’re rooted in solid verbal communication skills, body language tactics, and powerful mindset shifts. Meshing these three skillsets together creates a powerful range of habits that can make any lovely human feel confident! All you have to do is learn them and consistently work hard to practice them throughout your life. When you’re ready to commit to yourself, when you’re ready to finally let yourself feel good enough, when you’re ready to live a life of confidence, I can help you learn and practice these habits! You’re worth it 😀 (You SO are!)
I’m also a total scifi nerd 🤓
I can’t wait for us to work together! Seriously, we’ll be a force to be reckoned with! You’ll learn such powerful new habits, and you’ll feel so much power in the confidence that you’ve unlocked! Heck yes!!
In other nerdy news, you should also know that I’m a total geek and an avid life-long learner: I am certified to teach public speaking (and more!) with a Bachelors Degree in Mass Communication & Journalism and a Masters Degree in Education by the University of Nebraska at Omaha. I am certified as a Life & Success Coach, Hypnotherapist, and NLP, EFT, and TIME Practitioner by the International Board of Coaches and Practitioners. I’m currently pursuing my certification as a Master Practitioner by the IBCP, as well as my certification in The Science of Well-Being by Yale University 🤓